Things You Should NEVER Ask a Lesbian

When did you turn gay?
I had a double shot of unicorns and rainbows and I was suddenly radiating lesbianism. Come on, are you serious? You don’t turn gay. You are simply born attracted to females. Yes, it really is as simple as that.

Were your parents angry when you told them you were gay?
Were your parents angry when you told them you were straight? Firstly, why assume that my parents took it so negatively, there is nothing wrong with being a LBQ woman. Secondly, it’s unfortunate that some families do not accept their child’s sexuality so this can be a sensitive subject for some. Just be cautious, you don’t want to come across as being inconsiderate.

Who is the man in your relationship?
The man? In a lesbian relationship? No one! That’s the whole point of being a lesbian, in a homosexual relationship. There are two of us!

How do you have sex? Do you scissor?
Ok, let’s get one thing straight (Ha, ironic). Scissoring is not a thing. I can guarantee any lesbian you ask will tell you that they don’t scissor. In the rare chance that they do, introduce me, I want to shake their hand. Use your imagination with regards to how you think we have sex. And no, you can’t watch.

It’s not real sex though, is it?
This is a personal favourite of mine. I always find I’m giggling to myself, then I regain composure and I put my most serious face on and I say. “If you tell me four consecutive orgasms isn’t real sex, then I don’t know what is”.

Can I join in?
What? Ew, no. Go away.

I have a lesbian friend called ….. Do you know them?
Firstly, what even is a “lesbian friend” and secondly, just because she’s gay doesn’t mean I… oh wait, yeah I know her.